Brewin like A BIXCH
A couple of weeks ago I got sick and getting sick to me is no fun as I don't like to relax and stay put for too long. Call me a hummingbird if you will! I love to stay on the move. Being sick with a terrible cold allowed me to slow down and dive deep into some topics that has made me a bitter person on the DL for quite some time now. Talk about icky stuff! I guess when you understand the "why" then that's half the battle. For me, I realized some of my hurt that sometimes turn to anger stems from not having much of a female support system or a lost female support system. I've always been a tomboy in my teenage years and while I got along with everybody such as the popular kids, the talented kids, the smart honor students...etc I never ran with large cliques or groups of people. I always had less of a handful of really great friends I stuck by. I was definitely a very shy person unless I was on stage singing or acting.
I met an amazing talented singer in high school theater and we were so close however as we grew older, when I started honing into who I am and what I value most, which is loyalty and honesty, honesty was not a trait her family taught growing up. I suppose they would sugar coat the world and act as if everything was always great even if things weren't. That's not honesty. That's complete bullshit! Long story short, when it came to voicing how I felt hurt about something in a very calm and sincere way, she felt that I was being toxic and couldn't handle me being direct. WTF?! It made me feel as if something was wrong with me all these years when in fact, it's been the complete opposite. I've learned in the past couple weeks I LOVE and attract strong women as friends who are not only able to speak how they feel but also allow me to be heard as well yet stay loyal regardless. I admire those that aren't afraid to tell me if I am ever crossing the line or explain why they are hurt over something all while effectively communicating it. Those are the friendships I enjoy not just with women but with guys. I CRAVE authentic, REAL people in my life. Period.
With that said, I harbored a bunch of bitterness and resentments toward this person that used to be my all time best friend growing up. We all grow out of people and some people are there for a certain time or reason. The fact that she was also a singer, and an AMAZING singer, is sad how we drifted. I am noticing a trend with these quiet insecure women I've been friends with that have also drifted....They are afraid to stand up for themselves and say what they feel for fear of not being liked. Tell me if I'm being a bixch! I'll respect you if you do cuz chances are, maybe I was being one! The same goes the other way around.
Last week I wrote an angry emo rock song. I've been heartbroken in relationships before, but never have I ever been so angry and hurt over losing girlfriends in the past that I truly loved with all my heart. Losing a chick as a friend stings waaaay more than any guy has ever cheated or burned me in the past! The new song I wrote is called "The Storm" and I must say, I am blown away hearing myself in this different light or should I say darkness. All these years I've always been pretty emo and now I get why. I've discovered a side of myself that I thought was weak all these years, when in fact, I've been strong AF!
That song I wrote and did a rough recording on opened up an entire arsenal of songs!!!! I've never written so much in a week! It's almost as if I've opened up Pandora's box. Truly, it's me writing about real shit that has bothered me and driven me insane all these years! Real authentic emotion. That's what being an artist is about. It's about being AUTHENTIC and REAL.
This musical journey of writing is very healing to my soul. It would be great to reach a ton of others out there that are going through the same mental imprisonment. Mental health is a very real subject that they should teach in the school system. I won't preach. I'll just write and whoever is meant to hear my songs will hear them. The MOST important thing is that I am healing myself in this music journey and that to me is priceless.
Brewin a music video to Warrior. Brewin more songs for the album. Performing and stayin busy all while trying to stay healthy mentally, emotionally and physically.